Redeeming the time

If you have read my blog at all, you know that we believe that adoption is a beautiful gift.  But, as with natural childbirth, it comes with pain.  Part of the pain that comes with adoption is the time missed… the days our child has lived not even knowing of our love – of our arms that ache to hold him, or our hearts that are filled with him as our precious second child.

While we waited to pass court, we had one of the hardest days of our adoption journey... And we could not even tell you about it.  I had hoped with all my heart that we would have passed court by then, but it was not to be so.

March 23.  The day our son turned one.  I have a folder full of photos from this day... and not one includes a picture of him.

I have a sense that Abel will not be frustrated over not celebrating his first birthday at our house.  But I was.  Isn't celebrating a child's first birthday a landmark for a mother?  Isn't celebrating the first birthday a mother's celebration that all the hard work, the sleepless nights, the tender care paid off, and the thriving child is proof?

Well, on Abel's first birthday, I had hard work, sleepless nights, and hours of prayer to show for our second child.  But I had no child to show for it.

On the dawning of that day, I prepared myself as best I could.  I discovered what we were doing on the day of Abel's birth.  Thanks to this blog, I found out that on that day, Adrianna and I went to the zoo.  And that week, Scott and his dad finished Abel's room.  (Here is the link for the entry: So close.)  Knowing that information gave my heart some peace. 

And then I prayed for God's extra measure of grace for that day.  And as He always does, He gave it.  Adrianna seemed especially thoughtful that day.  She so longed to make her brother's birthday a special one, even if he wasn't there to share it with us.  While we were driving in the car, she suddenly asked if she could make a picture for him.  She had me draw her a heart, and she made it into a little heart person, with arms, legs, and a smiling face.  She then wrote his name under it.  It made my heart melt.  She wanted to be able to send it to him for his birthday...  But I convinced her that putting it as a name tag on his door would be equally meaningful.  She then threw herself into choosing his cake, making it with me, blowing out his one candle, and opening his present.

It was a small birthday celebration, but we wanted our boy to know how much we love him, and how we celebrated him -- even before we met him.  So we will show him the pictures and tell him the stories.

And as we have watched in the pictures from the last four months, we have seen our son grow from a baby into a toddler... right before our eyes.  I cannot let myself dwell on it; it hurts too much -- that missed time.

But I have learned to echo the beautiful prayer from my mother-in-law...  God is a Redeemer.  His business is redeeming.  He can redeem the time.  We ask that He will.