God's gifts from His divine healing
Psalm 139: "You knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made!"
Looking back, I can see now how God orchestrated His purposes to bring me to my knees before him. It started with the drive to the first injection in November, when I could hear Him whispering in my ear that the injection would not bring my healing, and that He had more he wanted to do for His glory.
It continued as the scheduler from my doctor's office called to reschedule my injection that I was supposed to have January 31 (already rescheduled from January 17). I broke out in tears on the phone with her, asking for her help, explaining to her the urgency of my situation. She apologized and said there was not much she could do to help, but offered me a February 21 appointment. I got off the phone, and choked on my sobs. With barely the words for a prayer, I said aloud, "God, I need You. Oh, I need You." I sobbed a message to Scott at work. I began making phone calls to other doctors, scrambling for any kind of help. My doctor's office called back during that time to say they had an appointment that just opened on February 7 (my birthday), and did I want it? Of course I did!
From my prayer journal, January 28, 2013, 10:42 am:
Is it Your will for this injection? If so, let nothing stop it. Do You want me to pursue any other options? If so, show me, please. Thank you for the February 7 appointment.
Psalm 147 "Praise the Lord! For it is good to sing praises to our God; for it is pleasant, and praise is beautiful. He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds. Great is our Lord and mighty in power; His understanding is infinite. The Lord takes pleasure in those who fear Him, in those who hope in His mercy. For He has strengthened the bars of your gates, He has blessed your children within you."
And He worked more of His plan, as my mother-in-law told me of a book she had just read on her Kindle, and she suggested I should read it, too. There are times I am so thick-headed, I take people's suggestions, thank them, and then go my own way. But His Spirit nudged me that this should not be one of those times. I went to Amazon, and looked the book up; Remarkable Miracles by Brother Bevington, pastor during the early 20th century. The book chronicles Bevington's journeys, as he prayed for healing for the people God put into his path, and the remarkable ways God answered.
I read of how Bevington went into the woods for sometimes days, just to pray until he got answers for the needs he had encountered. I started marveling at that kind of prayer. And started wondering, what would I even pray for that long? I've been a Christian since I was a child, but never have I prayed like that.
As I continued reading, I learned what Bevington was saying. He'd have to pray for that long to get himself to a place where he was truly quiet before God. God could search his heart, and he could ask God if He wanted to bring healing in the situation. And then -- and only then -- Bevington could get to the place where he could claim the promises of God. In faith, he would acknowledge God already working healing.
The more I read, the more I realized how small and weak my own faith was. And how dependent I was upon someone else to help me with my back pain. I had been praying for healing, and then relying on the next injection to "heal" me.
And so I started praying that God would be my Healer, and that I would not even need the injection.
Prayer journal, January 30, 2013, 2:30 pm:
Matthew 8:17 (Isaiah 53:4) "He Himself took our infirmities and bore our sicknesses."
Jesus, would You take my infirmities and bear my sicknesses?
During the week, I called up my mother-in-law to ask her for a ride to the weekly city-wide prayer meeting she went to. I had not been to it regularly since Adrianna was born, but God had laid it on my heart to go to the one on January 31. She wasn't surprised at my request. When I arrived there, to a warm welcome, I learned that they had already asked Julie to invite me, and were praying for Abel and me to come. At the end of the time together, they prayed over me. These sweet Christians who know me just a little prayed with faith for my healing, blessing me with a renewed sense of God's peace.
Prayer journal, January 31, 2013:
Father, I admit, I read James 5:16 yesterday and became afraid. "Confess your trespasses to one another and pray for one another, that you may be healed. The effective, fervent prayer of a righteous man avails much."... Forgive the fear. I'm laid bare before You. I just fear being laid bare before others. Is there a sin I'm clutching that You need to expose?... May I be obedient to follow Your lead.... Help me not even want to ignore Your leading. I long for healing. I ask for healing on my back. Would You even do it apart from an injection? Would You heal me, gracious Father? Praise be to You. Thank You.
As I went back to prayer, trying to quiet myself before God, I felt His touch upon me. It started at my head and moved to my heart. And then it stopped. His touch could go no farther. There was blackness in my heart that stopped His touch. And He gently started exposing the sin within me. I had envy, covetousness, jealousy, greed, impure thoughts, all kinds of filth lurking, unconfessed, not dealt with. Little by little, I'd deal with one before God, and then another would come up. And then a nudging came that I even had ones I needed to confess before my husband. And I prayed for the grace and courage to do so.
By Sunday night, February 3, after a weekend marriage conference at our church, I knew I should stall no longer. I went to Scott with the things from the past months that I needed to lay out before him. He responded with kindness and mercy, as always.
Monday, February 4, I went before God again, asking Him if there was any more blackness stopping His touch, or if He could continue all the way down to my back. I spent every extra minute I had in prayer before Him. I saw a picture as I prayed; I saw all the prayers of all the people who have prayed for me all these months join as one petition before God.
Prayer journal, February 5, 2013:
Father, I felt Your direction to fast. So here I am before You. I'm hungry, but I ask Your filling. I want to be hungry for more of You, not more food. Food will never satisfy my hunger. Only You can satisfy. Calm my anxious thoughts. Help me to press through in prayer. I long for Your healing, so that I wouldn't even need the injection Thursday. You know when I would need to cancel the appointment, so if You want to heal me, would You so that I have time to cancel it? Forgive me for relying on the injection instead of Your healing. I was. Change my heart, my faith. May it be in You, and not in anything else.
My daily Bible reading was about the Israelites, as they were fleeing from Egypt, only to realize that the Egyptians were pursuing them. Exodus 14:13,14, "And Moses said to the people, 'Do not be afraid. Stand still and see the salvation of the Lord, which He will accomplish for you today. For the Egyptians whom you see today, you shall see no more forever. The Lord will fight for you, and you shall hold your peace.'"
Those words resonated with me for the basis of my prayer for the day: "Do no be afraid, Marianne. Stand still, and see the salvation of the Lord, which He will accomplish for you today. For the pain which you see today, you will see no more forever. The Lord will fight for you, and you shall hold your peace." From Exodus 15, after the Egyptians are covered in the Red Sea, I added the praise to God for His answering: "I will sing to the Lord, for He has triumphed gloriously! The Lord is my strength and my song and He has become my salvation." I let God know that I was going to keep praying until He told me to stop.I took Adriana to her class and Abel to his preschool, and the went back to prayer. I continued so throughout the day -- met the needs of my family, and prayed every spare minute. During Abel's rest time, I felt I was making progress in prayer. My back was truly feeling better.
By Adrianna's bed time, I returned thus, without distraction, reading the Bible, praying, reading more of Brother Bevington's encouragement. My journal is covered in prayers from the Word, that the Lord brought to my attention from different sources: 1 John 5:15, Philippians 1:6, Job 42:2, Luke 5:13, Luke 4:18, Psalm 4:4,5, I John 3:18-24, James 1:5,6, Mark 11:23,24, John 15:4,5.
I realized that the phrase, "Perfect and complete, lacking nothing," kept coming to my mind. So I looked up the verse, and found it in James 1:2-4, 17: "Count it all joy when you fall into various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces patience. But let patience have its perfect work, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking nothing... Every good and every perfect gift is from above, and comes down from the Father of lights, with whom there is no shadow of turning."
I prayed, "Father, I have counted these various trials as joy. Now I ask that You would let patience have its perfect work, and that Your healing may be perfect and complete, lacking nothing."
From my journal:
You are healing, my Healer. I ask for complete. Not in part. Complete, so that I may call and cancel my injection tomorrow. Complete, so that I can carry my boys. Complete so that I can sit whenever You need me to. Mine eyes have seen the salvation of the Lord.
By almost 11:00 p.m., I was getting tired. But I had told Him I would keep praying until He told me to stop. And then I came to one of my memory verses in my notebook: "Blessed be the Lord, because He has heard the voice of my supplications! The Lord is my strength and my shield; my heart trusted in Him, and I am helped; therefore my heart greatly rejoices, and with my song I will praise Him."
And I knew I could stop, at least for the night. As I headed to bed, I thought about the story of Gideon, whom we had just read about with Adrianna. I prayed, "God, I'm like Gideon. My faith isn't as strong as it should be, but You honored his request. Could You allow me to go through my Wednesday morning activities --sitting down -- without pain? If I can do those things without pain, I'll call my doctor, and cancel my injection."
Wednesday, February 6, I drove Adrianna to school, took Abel with me to the moms' prayer time I hadn't been to since last spring, and then took Abel to music time at the library. At each place, I sat (which I had been avoiding doing since last June). There was some pain... maybe about a quarter left. At music time, we saw my sweet friend who watched Abel for me while I taught this fall. After music time was finished, she asked if we could go to the park with them. "I need to go finish praying," I said, as I explained the events of the last couple of days. She offered to watch Abel for me so that I could go home by myself.
And so I returned to prayer. On my knees before God, I claimed His promises. "I count myself healed. I ask for Your healing perfect and complete, lacking nothing, so that I can testify to Your healing." As I prayed, He revealed to me that the remaining pain was from my lack of faith. I worked and toiled to overcome it, but kept finding that I just could not do anything to conquer that doubt.
...Until I realized surrender. I found myself surrendering to my Father as I never had before. I begged Him to conquer my doubt with His power, with Him as my Warrior. In that moment, I understood that my life was before Him, and more than I wanted to live, I wanted to be right with Him -- to be before Him without doubt. I cried out to Him, "Will You to show me that You've healed me? Show me, please, Jesus."
I got up off my knees, and sat in my bed. It was then I felt a feather-soft touch moving in my back. A touch like a whisper moved, rearranging the parts of my back that had felt so much pain. "Thank You, Jesus!" And then the words from a Psalm poured into my heart and mind. "Marvelous are Your works, and that my soul knows very well. My frame was not hidden from You... when You knit me together in my mother's womb."
I went to look up the passage, from Psalm 139, and stared in wonder.Psalm 139:1: "O Lord, You have searched me and known me." Yes, You did search me, Lord.
Psalm 139:2: "You know my sitting down and my rising up." Oh, yes, You know how I need to be able to sit.
Psalm 139:5: "You have hedged me behind and before. And laid Your hand upon me." Tears. Yes, Jesus, You laid Your hand upon me.
I knew there was no question that He answered my prayer to show me that He healed me.
And I knew that I needed to call my doctor's office, to cancel my injection. That very same injection I'd been working to get for the last several months. With trembling hands, I dialed the number.
"Ah, yes, I need to cancel my injection for tomorrow."
"You do?"
"Yes."
"Would you like to reschedule it?"
"No, thank You."
Much has happened following the events of God's healing. I will write more in the coming days. For now, I will conclude with the reminder that where God is at work, Satan follows. As my back still recovers with soreness, the enemy has tried to use that to convince me that God has not healed me. When he tries, I turn to praising God for His healing -- perfect and complete, lacking nothing. And the proclamation at Jesus' birth keeps ringing in my ears: "Glory to God in the highest. And on earth, peace, goodwill toward men!"
Isaiah 43:10a "You are My witnesses," declares the Lord, "and My servant whom I have chosen, so that you may know and believe Me and understand that I am He."
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