Have a New Kid by Friday experiment
So... It's time I admit some parental short-comings. I know all parents have them... I just don't like to admit mine! I pride myself in knowing a few things about getting kids to behave. I babysat through junior high, high school, and even college. I learned a few tricks from those experiences. And I even majored in elementary education. I learned a few more tricks from those classes. I learned even more by teaching preschool and Kindergarten. So... I should know all about being a top-notch mom, right? :)
Well, I guess I have realized that I know a few tricks, but they work on kids who don't come home with me every night! One thing I have never wanted to waiver on as a parent is saying "No" and then changing it to a "Yes." I have stuck with that part. To Adrianna, my "No" means "No." But... I still have a child who whines and complains and will not do something the first time I ask.
Our problems culminated to the point of flames on Sunday. I had to take Adrianna out of church because she started complaining loudly during the sermon. As I lead her out by the arm, she began screaming, "YOU'RE HURTING ME! YOU'RE HURTING ME!!" You can imagine the embarrassment. But still, I know many parents have been there before. The problem was, it only escalated from there. I took her into the bathroom and told her she needed to sit down with me for a time out. More screaming. Apparently it was so loud, that all of the congregation heard it in the school gym down the hallway. She did not even calm down until thirty minutes later, when the sermon was over.
This attitude, screaming, whining took over Saturday morning and continued until Monday night. The complaints were about everything from what food we were eating to whether or not she wanted to put on her socks.
Scott and I stayed relatively calm through it all. We tried one technique after another. We did time-outs. We removed her special Bunny. We took away treats. And it continued. The weekend was so excruciating, that by Monday night, I told Scott I was ready to buy the book I had seen several weeks before.
It arrived yesterday (Wednesday). I began reading it immediately. Adrianna wanted me to read it to her throughout the afternoon. She even chose it as her bedtime story last night. Maybe she realizes she's out of control and wants some change, too.
I wanted to record some of the things I have learned so far and some of the techniques I have tried...
Beginning early in the book, Dr. Leman states that parents need to make their voice matter and not insult their child's intelligence by repeating directions. So, on page 31, he says: 1. Say it once. 2. Turn your back. 3. Walk away.
He used the example of a mom asking her son to take out the trash (his routine chore). He said that he didn't want to. She walked away. Later, when he wanted to go to the pet store to get his fish, as they had already planned, she declined. When he asked her why, she explained that the trash had not been taken out.
And so the book discusses letting children conclude for themselves that you mean what you say and there will be consequences for things left undone. I thought about the delayed "punishment" in his examples. Does it really work to not address the issue at the time? I have always been in the school of thought that consequences need to come immediately to be effective. But I think part of my problem is that my consequence is a lot of nagging and many words. And then I just have to repeat them again the next time and there is no change in my child -- only irritation in me. So... maybe he had a point there?
I want to jot down my experiences trying his techniques so far...
Wednesday night:
Adrianna ate the apple slices she had on her plate with dinner and asked for more. "You can have more after you eat enough of your chicken enchiladas," we responded. She understood and ate more chicken. After she had enough, I pulled out the apple and set it in front of Scott to slice. She complained: "NO! I wanted MOM TO CUT IT UP!"
Without a word, I picked up the apple and put it back in the fridge. She complained a little while, but Scott and I did not say a word. And she didn't get her apple.
Thursday morning:
Adrianna had coloring pages and books spread across her room. She had been working on them while I was taking my shower. I thought I had a good incentive to have her clean up: "Adrianna, I'm going to finish my hair and make up. Clean up your room, and we'll go make some soaps before we leave for CBS." "Okay!"
I came back to her room after I finished getting ready. She was still playing in the mess of papers and books. I was so tempted to ask her again to clean up. I was tempted to help her clean up. That's what I would have done in the past. Instead, I said, "I'm going to make soaps now." "Okay," she said.
I made my soaps alone. Then it was time to leave. "Adrianna, it's time to go now." I peeked at her room. Still a mess. Could I really leave the house with it like that? That was not my way! But I didn't say a word. We went out to the car. Her kids' music was playing; I quickly turned it off and switched to my radio station.
"Mom, could we listen to my music on the way home?" (This is our usual routine to take turns listening to each other's music.) "No," I said calmly. "But WHY?" she cried. "Because you didn't clean your room when I asked you to." Three more minutes of complaining and whining. I gave no response.
Thursday, as we were leaving CBS:
"Adrianna, come wash your hands." "I don't want to." "Well, we're going to stop by McDonald's for lunch, and you'll need clean hands." "I don't want to! Just give me a wipe for my hands in the car!"
We left the bathroom and went to the car. Instead of turning to go to McDonald's, I went home. I waited for her to notice that we were not going to McDonald's. She finally did as we were approaching our house.
"Mom! We were going to McDonald's for lunch!" "I know. But you wouldn't wash your hands." "I TOLD YOU! I WANTED A WIPE!" "That is not what I asked you to do." "Then I want to eat dinner at a restaurant!!" "No." More screaming, complaining. When we got home, I opened her car door, asked her to bring in her blanket and Bunny.
She was still so busy complaining and screaming that she refused. I went inside. I came back out a few minutes later to check on her. Without a word, I took her hand and walked her inside. I noticed that her blanket was still on the seat, but I did not reach for it, as I normally would have. When we were coming in the door, she realized her mistake: "MY BLANKET! It's in the car." "I know." "MY BLANKET! MY BLANKET!" She continued screaming. I took her hand, and let her to the backdoor. I opened it, let her step out, and closed it.
She continued screaming. I watched, concealed in the kitchen. Then she found a tricycle to play with, and stopped screaming. A few minutes later, I announced, "Lunch is ready. Come wash your hands." She did.
After lunch, she said, "I want to make soaps now." "You'll need to clean up your room first." "Okay."
So... that's my experience so far. I'll try to keep updating as I continue in this process! I think it is a learning process more for me than for her. :)
Well, I guess I have realized that I know a few tricks, but they work on kids who don't come home with me every night! One thing I have never wanted to waiver on as a parent is saying "No" and then changing it to a "Yes." I have stuck with that part. To Adrianna, my "No" means "No." But... I still have a child who whines and complains and will not do something the first time I ask.
Our problems culminated to the point of flames on Sunday. I had to take Adrianna out of church because she started complaining loudly during the sermon. As I lead her out by the arm, she began screaming, "YOU'RE HURTING ME! YOU'RE HURTING ME!!" You can imagine the embarrassment. But still, I know many parents have been there before. The problem was, it only escalated from there. I took her into the bathroom and told her she needed to sit down with me for a time out. More screaming. Apparently it was so loud, that all of the congregation heard it in the school gym down the hallway. She did not even calm down until thirty minutes later, when the sermon was over.
This attitude, screaming, whining took over Saturday morning and continued until Monday night. The complaints were about everything from what food we were eating to whether or not she wanted to put on her socks.
Scott and I stayed relatively calm through it all. We tried one technique after another. We did time-outs. We removed her special Bunny. We took away treats. And it continued. The weekend was so excruciating, that by Monday night, I told Scott I was ready to buy the book I had seen several weeks before.
It arrived yesterday (Wednesday). I began reading it immediately. Adrianna wanted me to read it to her throughout the afternoon. She even chose it as her bedtime story last night. Maybe she realizes she's out of control and wants some change, too.
I wanted to record some of the things I have learned so far and some of the techniques I have tried...
Beginning early in the book, Dr. Leman states that parents need to make their voice matter and not insult their child's intelligence by repeating directions. So, on page 31, he says: 1. Say it once. 2. Turn your back. 3. Walk away.
He used the example of a mom asking her son to take out the trash (his routine chore). He said that he didn't want to. She walked away. Later, when he wanted to go to the pet store to get his fish, as they had already planned, she declined. When he asked her why, she explained that the trash had not been taken out.
And so the book discusses letting children conclude for themselves that you mean what you say and there will be consequences for things left undone. I thought about the delayed "punishment" in his examples. Does it really work to not address the issue at the time? I have always been in the school of thought that consequences need to come immediately to be effective. But I think part of my problem is that my consequence is a lot of nagging and many words. And then I just have to repeat them again the next time and there is no change in my child -- only irritation in me. So... maybe he had a point there?
I want to jot down my experiences trying his techniques so far...
Wednesday night:
Adrianna ate the apple slices she had on her plate with dinner and asked for more. "You can have more after you eat enough of your chicken enchiladas," we responded. She understood and ate more chicken. After she had enough, I pulled out the apple and set it in front of Scott to slice. She complained: "NO! I wanted MOM TO CUT IT UP!"
Without a word, I picked up the apple and put it back in the fridge. She complained a little while, but Scott and I did not say a word. And she didn't get her apple.
Thursday morning:
Adrianna had coloring pages and books spread across her room. She had been working on them while I was taking my shower. I thought I had a good incentive to have her clean up: "Adrianna, I'm going to finish my hair and make up. Clean up your room, and we'll go make some soaps before we leave for CBS." "Okay!"
I came back to her room after I finished getting ready. She was still playing in the mess of papers and books. I was so tempted to ask her again to clean up. I was tempted to help her clean up. That's what I would have done in the past. Instead, I said, "I'm going to make soaps now." "Okay," she said.
I made my soaps alone. Then it was time to leave. "Adrianna, it's time to go now." I peeked at her room. Still a mess. Could I really leave the house with it like that? That was not my way! But I didn't say a word. We went out to the car. Her kids' music was playing; I quickly turned it off and switched to my radio station.
"Mom, could we listen to my music on the way home?" (This is our usual routine to take turns listening to each other's music.) "No," I said calmly. "But WHY?" she cried. "Because you didn't clean your room when I asked you to." Three more minutes of complaining and whining. I gave no response.
Thursday, as we were leaving CBS:
"Adrianna, come wash your hands." "I don't want to." "Well, we're going to stop by McDonald's for lunch, and you'll need clean hands." "I don't want to! Just give me a wipe for my hands in the car!"
We left the bathroom and went to the car. Instead of turning to go to McDonald's, I went home. I waited for her to notice that we were not going to McDonald's. She finally did as we were approaching our house.
"Mom! We were going to McDonald's for lunch!" "I know. But you wouldn't wash your hands." "I TOLD YOU! I WANTED A WIPE!" "That is not what I asked you to do." "Then I want to eat dinner at a restaurant!!" "No." More screaming, complaining. When we got home, I opened her car door, asked her to bring in her blanket and Bunny.
She was still so busy complaining and screaming that she refused. I went inside. I came back out a few minutes later to check on her. Without a word, I took her hand and walked her inside. I noticed that her blanket was still on the seat, but I did not reach for it, as I normally would have. When we were coming in the door, she realized her mistake: "MY BLANKET! It's in the car." "I know." "MY BLANKET! MY BLANKET!" She continued screaming. I took her hand, and let her to the backdoor. I opened it, let her step out, and closed it.
She continued screaming. I watched, concealed in the kitchen. Then she found a tricycle to play with, and stopped screaming. A few minutes later, I announced, "Lunch is ready. Come wash your hands." She did.
After lunch, she said, "I want to make soaps now." "You'll need to clean up your room first." "Okay."
So... that's my experience so far. I'll try to keep updating as I continue in this process! I think it is a learning process more for me than for her. :)
Comments
Please keep us updated, as Adam and I might have to set aside a little grocery money for this book!