God's gifts from lessons in pain

Pain has this alarming and brutal way of taking our eyes off God and turning our eyes on ourselves... and taking our eyes off the needs of others, and focusing them on our own experience.  I know this has been true for me.  I have been fighting to overcome it, asking Him to help me see and meet the needs of others...

By way of background, I have been unable to sit for more than a few minutes at a time since the beginning of June, as a result of sudden-onset back pain.  After spending the summer trying acupuncture, a chiropractor, and physical therapy, my doctor allowed me to get an MRI at the end of September.  The MRI showed arthritis and a bulging disc, the latter which had been the suspicion by the professionals trying to help me.

October 10 was the day I finally had my appointment with the spine specialist in the big town near us.  Family and friends from church joined with us in praying that I would find help for my back.  I prayed that if there was a way, I would get relief even at this appointment, and not have to wait until the second appointment where we would schedule a procedure.  I had even dreamed that I went to the doctor and they said, "Sure, we can get your your help right now!"

My mother-in-law so kindly drove me to my appointment, as Scott had to be out of town for a business trip.  In the office, the physician's assistant surprised me by looking over my MRI and saying that, "Really, your back looks very good."  "Oh??"  "Yes, I mean, I know you're in pain, but it could be a lot worse."  "Okay..." I responded.  "So I'd really like to be able to sit again."  And then she surprised me again.  She whipped out her prescription pad, and as she wrote it, she explained that she would try me on a six-day dose of oral steroids, and she had a strong suspicion that it would take care of the inflammation so that the pain would be gone.

She sent me out the door with the paper in hand, instructions about taking Benadryl to help counteract the sleeplessness caused by the steroids, and a hope I had not had in months.  There was almost this tangible, palatable hope calling me towards healing.  I could feel the hope exuding from me as I stepped from the office.  I could hear it leaping from my voice as I explained the news to my mother-in-law, and then called Scott in Las Vegas.  I could sense the hope twinkling in my eyes.  This fragile, delicate presence that had slipped away because of the constancy of the pain.  It was back -- this gift of God, renewing my faith that He could bring healing.  My prayers seemed to be answered -- I had hope for my back getting better and I got help at the first appointment!

I picked up my kids from the babysitter, and she, too, told me she had prayed that I could get help at this appointment.  Adrianna was having so much fun, she didn't want to leave, but I explained to her how badly I wanted to get to the pharmacy to try my new prescription.  The kids and I picked up the prescription and I headed home to grab food so that I could take my first three steroid pills.  Almost immediately, the headache began, followed by the jitters.  And I just kept praying that God would allow the side effects to be minimized and the effectiveness to be maximized.

The next day at school (after just a few hours of sleep, from the pills), the side effects were pretty minimal.  I was able to teach normally, and at the end of the day, I tried sitting in my teacher's chair to work on my paperwork.  You see, I usually lean over the desk to do all my work.  But this time, I sat.  For almost fifteen minutes.  And it didn't hurt.  I nearly cried.

I finished up my work, headed home with the kids, and took my next dose of pills.  The next day, it was the same blessing.  I got to sit while working with my small groups -- for maybe twenty minutes!  I felt elated.  The steroids were working to reduce the inflammation in my back!!

That Friday night, Scott arrived home from Las Vegas, and we decided that we would drive up separately to town Saturday morning to return his rental car.  I headed up to town (a trip I have rarely been driving lately, because of the pain), and something devastating happened.  I sat for those fifteen minutes driving the car... and it hurt.

I was taking fewer and fewer pills each day, as the prescription prescribed, and with each day of fewer pills, my back began hurting more.  My hope... that nearly touchable ray of sunshine that gave me glimpses of my life retuning to normal... shattered.

By that Sunday night, the pain was back in unabated force.  As Scott and I laid side by side, the silent tears started wracking through me.  He stared at me, helplessly.  I sobbed, "It's back.  And it hurts so much."  I hadn't known how much it hurt until it was gone for those brief hours between Thursday and Friday.  And then when it came back after that all-too-short reprieve, oh how much more I felt it.  I cried out to God and to Scott, wishing almost that I hadn't known what it was like to be pain-free for that time.    

I cannot yet see all that God wants me to learn through these times, but I pray that I will learn.  And I keep working to thank Him more fully for this gift of pain.  If I trust Him, then I have to trust Him in all things, even in this.

He has given me sweet times of fellowship with Him, not yet answering my questions, longings for healing, but leading me to these passages...

^{Daniel 6:25-27, When King Darius found Daniel alive in the lion's den:}

 Then King Darius wrote:

To all peoples, nations, and languages that dwell in all the earth:

Peace be multiplied to you.

I make a decree that in every dominion of my kingdom men must tremble and fear before the God of Daniel.

For He is the living God,
And steadfast forever;
His kingdom is the one which shall not be destroyed,
And His dominion shall endure to the end. 

He delivers and rescues,
And He works signs and wonders
In heaven and on earth,
Who has delivered Daniel from the power of the lions.

1 Chronicles 4:9-11 Jabez was more honorable than his brothers. His mother had named him Jabez, saying, “I gave birth to him in pain.”  Jabez cried out to the God of Israel, “Oh, that you would bless me and enlarge my territory! Let your hand be with me, and keep me from harm so that I will be free from pain.” And God granted his request.

Those powerful words from His Word have given me much to pray over, much to trust Him with.  He's the One who works signs and wondering in heaven and on earth.  He's the One who delivered Daniel from the power of the lions.  His dominion shall never end.  And that's what matters: His dominion and His glory forever.  This pain is temporary; His reign is eternal.  That's the perspective I need each day.

Here I am, three weeks later already... after fighting through the beauracracy at the doctor's office for a week, trying to schedule my injection that they told me I could schedule if the oral steroids were ineffective.  

And here I am, after having the injection last Thursday, desperately pleading with God for it to be effective, yet asking for His will to be done.

So I wait to see if the injection will work.  The doctor's office says that some people feel  relief within three to five days, while others have to wait up to a month... While others never feel the results.  With day five being tomorrow, I would sure love to be in that group of patients.  

For now, that is most of my story.  For Him, it's just the beginning.