New Kid by Friday... One year later
If you have been reading here for a while, you might recall the series I wrote about the Have a New Kid by Friday experiment we tried with Adrianna in February of 2010. (See February 2010 archive for more.) Last year, we were faced with a parenting dilemma: Our child was whinny instead of obedient and her tantrums were becoming more severe with time. We tried something different than what we had done before, and we followed Dr. Leman's advice in Have a New Kid by Friday.
To remind myself of where Adrianna's behavior was a year ago, before our experiment, I re-read my postings. We started with a child who whined, complained, was not obedient when asked to do things. What has changed since then?
Adrianna does not whine anymore. Now she asks for things kindly, and knows that she will not receive unless a "Please" is included. (Whew!)
When I ask her to do something, probably 8 out of 10 times, she listens the first time. Yesterday morning, for instance, I asked her to put away her pajamas after she got dressed. She had gotten dressed, left her pajamas in the hallway, and then went to have breakfast. She got part-way out to breakfast, realized her pajamas were left in the hall, and went back to take care of them -- all with no reminder from me. (Score!)
She asks permission now. It used to be that at times when I would ask her to, say, turn off her computer, she would whine, "I'm not ready! I want to play more!" Just a minute ago, I went to Adrianna's room, asked her to turn off her computer, and she asked nicely, "Could I do one more thing?" In those situations, I usually respond, "Sure," because the asking was appropriate.
Sometimes we will give a direction, Adrianna will wander off, and then realize we asked something of her. She'll come running back, and ask, "Wait, what did you want me to do?"
She accepts her consequences. When we first started these changes, she would whine about the results of her actions with many screams and wails. Now, she'll let out an occasional whimper and then get on with life.
Adrianna is an enjoyable kid to be around now. We don't have to fear her "bad days" anymore. We don't have to fight with her or argue or convince her to do anything. She knows that if she does not do what we ask, she will miss out on something later. It was perfect timing that we started this last year, before her brother came home. Because she was already used to being obedient by last summer, she responded generously to Abel's arrival, rather than jealously. What a blessing from God!
After realizing her happy adjustments, I can say that there is some room for improvement, both with Adrianna and with me. First, I have had to work on my timing of asking her to do something. If I ask her to put away her shoes when she's in the middle of telling me a story, the direction gets lost to her. And I should know better. If I have her take a break in her story, refocus on my words, and then ask her, she will listen the first time. I feel like that is a much fairer way to give directions. For me, however, it has been a hard habit to break.
Adrianna's improvement can lie in asking if she misses directions. Instead of being so involved when she's focused on something else, I think she could take the initiative to ask for clarification. She can also improve on obedience in a timely fashion. We still struggle with her taking long periods to complete the given tasks.
I realize that because kids are human, they will all still struggle with first-time obedience. And I do hope she continues to improve with that. Just yesterday, we had play group at our house, and we asked the kids to clean up the doctor toys so that we could pull out the train set. Adrianna complained the length of the clean up time, because she had wanted somebody to play the doctor toys with her, and she lay on the couch instead of cleaning up. When the trains came out, I let her know that she couldn't play with them. The consequence hit her hard (she loves trains), but she accepted it fairly quickly, and asked if she could pull out a different set of toys, while her friends played with the train set.
We also work to implement these techniques with Abel. While he is not yet two, we are trying to ask him things only once. That process has been hard. First, it was hard because he didn't know English. Now it's hard because he's a toddler, and wanders off while we ask him things, and so forth. I do work to ask him once, and then physically follow through with him, instead of asking him a second time. We have not yet established consequences if he does not listen, because I don't think he has the maturity to understand that. One exception has been when I asked him to get a book to read with me before nap time. He refused to obey, and so I didn't read to him that day. I think, in time, that kind of consequence will make more sense to him.
To make a long story complete, I would highly recommend Kevin Leman's book Have a New Kid by Friday. And I thank God for helping us become better parents through it and giving us the tools to train up children to be obedient, with an understanding of consequences.
To remind myself of where Adrianna's behavior was a year ago, before our experiment, I re-read my postings. We started with a child who whined, complained, was not obedient when asked to do things. What has changed since then?
Adrianna does not whine anymore. Now she asks for things kindly, and knows that she will not receive unless a "Please" is included. (Whew!)
When I ask her to do something, probably 8 out of 10 times, she listens the first time. Yesterday morning, for instance, I asked her to put away her pajamas after she got dressed. She had gotten dressed, left her pajamas in the hallway, and then went to have breakfast. She got part-way out to breakfast, realized her pajamas were left in the hall, and went back to take care of them -- all with no reminder from me. (Score!)
She asks permission now. It used to be that at times when I would ask her to, say, turn off her computer, she would whine, "I'm not ready! I want to play more!" Just a minute ago, I went to Adrianna's room, asked her to turn off her computer, and she asked nicely, "Could I do one more thing?" In those situations, I usually respond, "Sure," because the asking was appropriate.
Sometimes we will give a direction, Adrianna will wander off, and then realize we asked something of her. She'll come running back, and ask, "Wait, what did you want me to do?"
She accepts her consequences. When we first started these changes, she would whine about the results of her actions with many screams and wails. Now, she'll let out an occasional whimper and then get on with life.
Adrianna is an enjoyable kid to be around now. We don't have to fear her "bad days" anymore. We don't have to fight with her or argue or convince her to do anything. She knows that if she does not do what we ask, she will miss out on something later. It was perfect timing that we started this last year, before her brother came home. Because she was already used to being obedient by last summer, she responded generously to Abel's arrival, rather than jealously. What a blessing from God!
After realizing her happy adjustments, I can say that there is some room for improvement, both with Adrianna and with me. First, I have had to work on my timing of asking her to do something. If I ask her to put away her shoes when she's in the middle of telling me a story, the direction gets lost to her. And I should know better. If I have her take a break in her story, refocus on my words, and then ask her, she will listen the first time. I feel like that is a much fairer way to give directions. For me, however, it has been a hard habit to break.
Adrianna's improvement can lie in asking if she misses directions. Instead of being so involved when she's focused on something else, I think she could take the initiative to ask for clarification. She can also improve on obedience in a timely fashion. We still struggle with her taking long periods to complete the given tasks.
I realize that because kids are human, they will all still struggle with first-time obedience. And I do hope she continues to improve with that. Just yesterday, we had play group at our house, and we asked the kids to clean up the doctor toys so that we could pull out the train set. Adrianna complained the length of the clean up time, because she had wanted somebody to play the doctor toys with her, and she lay on the couch instead of cleaning up. When the trains came out, I let her know that she couldn't play with them. The consequence hit her hard (she loves trains), but she accepted it fairly quickly, and asked if she could pull out a different set of toys, while her friends played with the train set.
We also work to implement these techniques with Abel. While he is not yet two, we are trying to ask him things only once. That process has been hard. First, it was hard because he didn't know English. Now it's hard because he's a toddler, and wanders off while we ask him things, and so forth. I do work to ask him once, and then physically follow through with him, instead of asking him a second time. We have not yet established consequences if he does not listen, because I don't think he has the maturity to understand that. One exception has been when I asked him to get a book to read with me before nap time. He refused to obey, and so I didn't read to him that day. I think, in time, that kind of consequence will make more sense to him.
To make a long story complete, I would highly recommend Kevin Leman's book Have a New Kid by Friday. And I thank God for helping us become better parents through it and giving us the tools to train up children to be obedient, with an understanding of consequences.
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